The fear of loss

Have you ever had a selfish prayer?

A prayer that defies the will of God, purely because you can't bear to imagine life differently?

I have had one selfish prayer for 6 years.

These last few weeks have been a whirlwind of fear. Each day we have had different schools in this area be evacuated for threats. One week a school was evacuated and the next day in that same school two students brought in a gun and fired it in the bathroom. This week we had a threat/evacuation in the building I work in. We took hundreds of kids out of the building and walked them to a safe location in 4 degree wind chills. Most of the kids were fine, some were nervous, and few were visibly upset. Luke's school district has had a few threats, although (thank heavens) none to his school specifically yet. I have been like a hunter checking their traps looking at my phone during the day, hoping that I have not received the dreaded call that his school has been evacuated. 

I have the same thoughts as I'm sure every parent, or school worker is having.

"Why haven't they caught this person?" "When will this stop?" "Is my child safe at school anymore?" If I am not careful, these thoughts will consume my day entirely until I am out of focus from all that's around me.

Each night I pray with Luke before bed. Nothing elaborate, but a quick prayer that he will sleep easily, "stay clean" (autism mom), and that in Jesus name he would be safe from all harm and evil. I feel okay closing the door after I have said that. I don't know what it is about those words specifically that make me feel more at ease. It has gotten to the point where even if I am doing something and Jake puts him to bed instead, I will rush upstairs and say that one part of the prayer in his room with him afterwards. 

This week was the first week that I started praying those words over him before he got on the bus.

As I am typing this I am realizing that honestly, those are sometimes the only words I pray that week. I know I am a "pastors wife", but I am far from where I want to be when it comes to my relationship with God (just being honest). But I never fail to pray for God to keep Luke safe from harm and evil. 

Back to the selfish prayer. 

I have prayed since the day Luke was born that he would be kept safe. I began praying more fiercely after I really developed a connection and devotion to him, and more even so since his autism diagnosis.

I have sobbed to God asking Him to keep Luke out of harms way. But even more than that, I have told Him flat out, I don't care if it's in his will for Luke to live a long life, I need him to. I have thought about how sometimes loss can draw us even closer to God, and I have rebutted immediately with "anything but him, please, I will give up anything and everything except for him". "You can't take him." This type of unapologetic, demanding attitude is not appropriate when talking to your superiors, let alone the God of the universe.

The truth is I don't know if I could live without Luke. He is what keeps me going, my whole self, and I know that God knows that. There are so many children that are taken from this earth way before their time, and I don't believe it is God who causes that, but God who works to put things back together after their gone. These things I know. Just the same as I know God is good. Yet I still have this one selfish prayer. That Luke would not be one of them. 

It may not be proper or Godly to ask for things in such a defiant way ("God, don't take him") rather than "Keep him safe if it is in your will", but I don't care.

Did I just say that?

If I am going to have a relationship with someone it's sure as all get out not going to be fake, and I would be faking it if I prayed the latter of those. 

Because heck, God knows my thoughts anyway.

The opposite side of this is that I find myself almost as frequently thanking God for keeping Luke safe another day. For keeping him healthy and happy and in my arms. Not a day goes by that I don't recognize how extremely grateful I am that Luke has never run away, that he has never injured himself badly, and that despite all of his daily obstacles, he is happy. I think fear of loss, and gratefulness come hand in hand sometimes, at least for me they do.

So if all you communicate to God during this chaotic time is telling him what not to do, praying a selfish prayer, don't feel guilty. I don't anymore. Because when I look into my boys sweet face every night, I know that my heavenly father looks at me the same way, and He is good.